easier to have control than to have faith...

Don't you think it's easier to have control of a situation than to let someone else handle it and trust that they'll take care of it?  I think that's the reason that we women are known for being maybe a little naggy.  We 'nag' and give advice with the best of intentions.  We want things to get done and we have ideas for doing them better, so we share them.  I don't think we see anything wrong with it, since we welcome advice and suggestions with open arms - we even seek it out.  But I don't think our husbands (and sons and brothers etc) take it with the same attitudes we do.

I recently read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...what an eye-opening book that was to the way men think and act.  In books, I always enjoy the little stories that help drive a point home.  Here's one of them that I really liked from this book:

THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
(Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus  by John Gray pages 138-140)

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor.  More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves.  When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself.  He becomes more caring.  When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.

Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside.  [And look how helpful I am...I even make the imagining easy with pictures....]  :)

Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress.  In an instant he comes alive.  Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon.  The noble knight pulls out his swords and slays the dragon.  As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.

As the gates open, he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero.  He and the princess fall in love.

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip.  On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help.  Another dragon has attacked the castle.  When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "Don't use your sword, use this noose.  It will work better."

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it.  He hesitantly follows her instructions.  He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard.  The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.

At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything.  Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration.  After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.

A month later he goes on yet another trip.  As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose.  On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle.  This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose.  In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm.  In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

"Use the poison," she yells.  "The noose doesn't work."

She throws him the poison, which he pours own the dragon's mouth and the dragon dies.  Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.

A month later, he goes on another trip.  As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison.  He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress.  As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive.  But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates.  He wonders, Should I use my sword, the noose, or the poison.  What would the princess say?

For a moment he is confused.  But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword.  With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword.  He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess.  He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after.  He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.

The End

So obviously our husbands don't leave every day and face dragons head on, but they do face challenges that are very dragon-like -- providing for a family is a huge deal, and could be a dragon.  In what ways do we tell our completely capable dragon-slaying knights in shining armor how to kill their dragons - what weapons to take and how to use them?

Women give advice to everyone, because we like it.  We love to receive it, so we assume everyone else loves to as well.  It's one of the ways we show love.  But maybe instead of giving advice to our husbands, a better thing to do is to ask, "How can I help you?"  He will ask for help if he needs it or wants it.  If not, I think we would be better off taking a walk and biting our tongues.  What about saying encouraging things more often...things like, "I know you'll figure it out..."  "You're doing such a good job..."  "Thank you for working so hard to provide for our family..."  "Thank you for....[insert the other million things he does]".

We all yearn for the picturesque love story.  Maybe not one with pricesses, knights and dragons, but we all want to be taken care of by the man we love and guess what - they want to take care of us to.  BUT before they can they need to know we trust them to figure things out, take the lead and slay the 'dragons' of this world in their own way.  If we let them, they will and we'll all be happier for it. 

THE Cheerleader.

All the best stuff I've read on marriage (and when I say "best" I mean the stuff that's hit me the hardest and felt the most right in my heart), has deemed the wife as the family "cheerleader".  Thank goodness that doesn't mean I have to go around with pom-poms stuck to my hands, shouting things like "GEW...TEAM...GEW!" (gew....as in "go", only for some reason cheerleaders say it like "gew") and jumping around the house (though I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind the short skirt). 

Over the years, I've learned more and more what that means and what a difference it makes to cheer on the people around me, especially and most importantly my husband.  The absolute best advice I've ever, and I mean EVER heard came from a dear friend of mine.  She got it from her mom.  And let me tell you about her mom...she is the most incredible, wise, soft, beautifully feminine person I have ever known, and I've loved her since the second I met her (or I'm pretty sure I have.  I can't remember the first time I met her, but I'm sure I loved her).  You'd love her too. 

Anyway, my dear sweet friend (we'll call her Kate) and her husband (we'll call him Jack).  {So I've been catching up on Lost...those are the first names that came to mind - haha!}  So Kate and Jack were really struggling financially.  Jack's company had shut down and he'd been out of a job for a couple of months.  Luckily they had some savings, but it was starting to dry up.  Anyone who's ever been in a situation close to that knows that things can get more than a little tense.

So one day, Kate was driving around and just lost it.  I don't know that she ever got around to telling me exactly what she was feeling, but I'm sure she was feeling scared and frustrated and helpless at the situation.  Oh - I forgot to mention they have a little boy that she stayed home to take care of.  I guess the baby better be called Aaron. ;)  Back to driving around - Kate called her wonderful and wise mom, and her first words went something like this, {bawling} "Mom, I don't know what we're going to do.  We were doing okay, but now we're running out of money and Jack still doesn't have a job and ....."  Now you'll find out why I think Kate's mom is so amazing.  HER first words to her sweet daughter were, "Kate, stop crying.  Is Jack there?  You better not have cried in front of Jack because if you think this is hard for you, then you better believe it's hard for him."

Talk about a reality check.  Kate got a hold of herself and listened to the rest of her mom's advice.  For the sake of making things as easy to understand as possible, I will put her advice in a list:

1.  Smile.  Smile at him every chance you get.  First thing when he walks into the house or into the room.  Make sure he knows you're happy that he's around.  If you're not, smile anyway.

2.  Trust him.  He is a smart and loving man.  Don't you go out and get a job, that will make him think you don't trust him and you'll end up an over-worked woman who is bitter that she's supporting her family.  He's a smart guy - let him figure this out and he will.  Do your job the best you can - make your home comfortable, be happy and make him a sandwich when he's at home during lunch time.

3. Don't nag.  Ever.  If you feel like nagging or getting upset, go to him and give him a backrub and a kiss instead.

4.  Don't give him advice unless he asks for it.  Bite. your. tongue.  No "you shoulds" or "have you trieds".  He's got it.  Don't make him feel accoutable to you.  Let him figure it out.

5. Don't cry.  If you can't help it, cry in the shower.  Take a walk if you have to.  Call me or your best friend or your sister and vent and cry all you want.  But don't cry or pout to him.  Show him that you have faith and trust in him by loving him, not by crying and making him feel worse.  Just because he doesn't talk about it doesn't mean he doesn't feel like a failure for not being able to give you everything you want.

6. Hug him.  Go home and apologize.  Put your arms around his neck and tell him you're sorry and that you were wrong.  That you trust him to be able to take care of you.

7. You need to be the one person he can go to for unconditional love, support and kindness.  The world is a harsh place and if he hasn't found a job yet, that means he's getting rejected all day long.  Don't be one more person he feels rejected by.

Kate did what her mom told her to do.  The first thing she did when she got home was put her arms around Jack's neck, kiss him, and apologize for nagging and not trusting him.  His attitude changed over night.  Things didn't get better financially, Jack took a couple more months to find a job, but they were happy and their marriage is stronger because of it.  Kate felt good about doing the best she could at her job of taking care of Jack and Aaron and making them feel loved.

I'm not a man, but I think that in the end, all a man wants is the wife he married.  Weren't we all unconditionally supportive, smiley, lovey women when we were dating our husbands?  I think we could all be a little more that way and a little less...well....not that way. :)

My husband's only comment when I told him what Kate's mom said was, "I think she's right on." I think so too.  So good luck to you in your cheerleading.  Don't beat yourself up when you don't feel like you're doing it right.  I think it's an art that Kate's mom has obviously spent years perfecting (though I'm sure she would disagree if she knew I called it or her perfect).

Here's to you and your marriage and cheering your hubby to great things!  {Back hand-spring, stick the cheer pose, hold it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..........jump up, spirit hands, woooo!  gew team!}

Nyx - goddess of night

I really had some mixed feelings about using "Nyx" - the goddess of night to represent being a wife because I have mixed feelings about talking about the part of marriage called s-e-x, which lets be honest, ask a man and he'll tell you that's one of the most important parts. Call me conservative, or maybe prude would be the right word. If my grandmother saw that I even typed the word s-e-x she would blush like you've never seen and maybe not ever look me in the eye again. For both our sakes, lets hope she's not (so-to-speak) "online".

The reason this is here, perhaps against my first instinct is because for crying out loud, someone needs to talk about it! I was looking at a 'religious' book about marriage that I have lying around, and I flipped back to the index. Now, this is an enormous book, and though I haven't read it all yet, I'm sure it has some awesome things to say. BUT back to the index under 'SEX' this is what it lists: false depictions of, dealing with desire for, differentiating between love and, safe...then there were sections on sexual abuse, sexual immorality, sexual transgression, sexual relations: outside marriage, between individuals of same gender...ETC ETC. Those are probably things we should know about, but they left out the important fact that sex is a good GOOD thing between husband and wife. I mean, could there be a more perfect way to create another life?

Anyway, now I've gotten on my soap box, when really all I wanted to say is that someone needs to remind us all that sex is good and that we all wanted it more than anything at some point in our marriage. Hopefully we still do, and hopefully it's just as fun (or more fun) than it ever was! If not, look for tips on that from Nyx - the goddess of night. Here's to your healthy, happy sex life.