Friday, October 23, 2009

scrumptious morsels of food for thought...

Today I did something that the 'old' me would NEVER have done for so many reasons. I painted. It started out like this:

I had an old flower pot that one of my friends gave me. When she gave it to me there was a plant in it...a plant that I really loved, but I went out of town once this summer and forgot to ask Jeff to water it, so it's dead and gone. I'd considered throwing the pot out, but today decided to paint on it instead. This is how it turned out.

{Around the rim, it says: I AM BRAVE SO I...}

{defend myself
chase my dreams
try new things
defend my beliefs
and the last one -not pictured - says serve others}

I didn't make it to impress anyone or for any reason except I felt like I had to put that out there.  For some weird reason, I felt like I had to paint something, which is kind of a break through for me.  I think that I have never been good at art or anything like that because I don't try and I don't try because I think that for it to look good it has to be perfect.  And I needed to let it not be perfect and be okay with that.  And it felt SO good!  And I didn't think about the colors or what anyone would think about them, I just used the colors I wanted to because I wanted to.  That felt good too.  I don't know why I knew I needed to do that, but I did, and it feels good. :)

I have had SO much on my mind this last week. I feel like there are so many things for me to do, but I can't focus on them, and maybe if I get everything that is swimming in my head written down, I will be able to push my energy toward other things. Although now that I've said that, I almost take it back because the things that have been on my mind have been profound and life-altering. Things I need to be thinking about and things that will propel me toward what I am really, truly after in this life.

It all started at Brave Girls Camp (affectionately known as BGC) last week. I went to support my incredible mom and aunt in their crazy idea to start retreats for women. "Life changing fun" is what they called it. And I was truly expecting that for everyone else. I expected magic. I expected to meet phenomenal women who I knew would be attracted to the incredible spirit of BGC. I knew it would be a singular experience for them because I believe it is inspired and I knew about the love and work and faith that went into it. I did NOT expect to come home changed. I didn't expect to have the feelings I have had this week. I didn't expect to come home with so many answers and a thousand times more questions. I felt so uplifted by the energy there and what I was able to experience, but I feel so jumbled about what to do with it. I desperately need the clarity that I know would come (and did come for so many) from doing the introspective projects up there. I didn't get to do them because I was working the entire time, which is what I wanted to do there. But I can't go on without them...I need to clear my mind - make a clear place for my goals and find out for myself where my peace is, so I can make sure I stick close to it. I feel like I will be stuck unless I figure things out, so I am improvising and doing my own my little flower pot.

So much of this for me is only a matter of going back to who I really am. And I know that's the whole point - to be true to ourselves and the things we know we need to do...things no one else can do because we are completely unique and have talents that no one else has. I used to do things like this. I used to feel so clear on where my life was going and what I wanted to do. I used to keep a journal where I'd glue things I'd found in magazines, and I'd track my progress on different things and write about whether this or that was working in my life or not. I used to put pictures in it of things I wanted. And pictures of things I just liked....for no other reason than that I liked them.  And I feel like for the last few years I have let all of that go. I feel like I have been sleeping during that time...not really accomplishing a lot personally. Maybe I felt like my life should be 'given' to my new little family, or to the people around me. I know that wasn't an intentional decision because it's not what I believe in my heart, but maybe I let myself slip into that decision by not deciding to do anything else. BGC to me felt like waking up from that. Only it's not like waking up peacefully after sleeping in on a Sunday morning. It's like waking up at 8am on a Sunday morning and running to the bathroom, getting yourself all ready (forgetting deoderant), running out the door and turning back toward home only when you get to the office which is when you realize that it is in fact Sunday and not Monday. I feel kind of confused (for a lack of better words). I feel an incredible almost overpowering sense of potential. I feel a sense of urgency about getting to where I need to be SO THAT I can do what I'm supposed to do.

It feels like swimming in mud. I can't see where I'm going, and it's hard to move my arms and legs because mud is thick and holding still for so long has made my muscles weak. BUT....BUT BUT BUT....I do believe in the power of change. I do believe that I can decide today who I want to be and then make choices all day long that lead to that decision. I don't believe that I have to be stuck in the mud and I plan to get out quickly. The only thing standing in my way is deciding what it is I want...what I REALLY want....where my peace is. Small questions - HUGE answers.

Today {TODAY} I am going to take action on some of this. I am going to start by taking Jeanne's advice (my sweet, brave girl, Jeanne) and I am going to carve out a creative space in my house. A place for me to make things...a place that I don't have to clean up every day. It's going to be in my (unfinished) basement. But I think that finished or not, I can have a fun, happy space...I mean look at that old army tent they used at BGC! I'm going to get out the very few art supplies that I have and use them and invite other people to use them. I am going to leave my sewing machine out and use it whenever I want. And over the next week or two I am going to take my lovely blue and yellow journal and fill it with my dreams and goals and HUGE aspirations, and I'm going to believe in them again and believe in me again. I'll let you know how that goes.


melody ross said...

we gotta talk.............I am sending you all of the exercises and projects and you GOTTA do them!!! ANd, I am gonna make sure your creative space gets filled up with pretty supplies for you to use.....





Camille said...

I am so proud of you for taking action! IT makes me want to take action too! I love your journaling collage, everything goes in it book... I'm going to do that.. JUST FOR ME. :)

For the record, love your put. Did you paint those words on with a paint brush, cuase your "paintmenship" is really amazing. I can't paint letters to save my life.

You are awesome.

Love you. Wish you lived closer. MOVE BACK TO BOI. :)

Mom said...

WOW -- you just put into words so much of what I've been feeling lately!! Love your action decisions!! You are awesome, my beautiful girl!!!

Jellybean said...

I'm curious at how many of us from BGC went home and did some kind of art project all on our own. Especial of those of us who had never done this kind of stuff in the past. For me, it's just like you said I didn't do crafts because I always want things to turn out perfect, and didn't think I could do it. Not anymore now it just feels good to create things just for me.
I've set myself up a whole crafting area and organized all my new supplies, some I bought, but alot that we were sent home with. I have been making more collages, and I love it.
Thanks to Melody and Kathy and to all of you who made it the most amazing experience!

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