scrumptious morsels of food for thought...

Today I did something that the 'old' me would NEVER have done for so many reasons. I painted. It started out like this:

I had an old flower pot that one of my friends gave me. When she gave it to me there was a plant in it...a plant that I really loved, but I went out of town once this summer and forgot to ask Jeff to water it, so it's dead and gone. I'd considered throwing the pot out, but today decided to paint on it instead. This is how it turned out.

{Around the rim, it says: I AM BRAVE SO I...}

{defend myself

chase my dreams

try new things

defend my beliefs

and the last one -not pictured - says serve others}

I didn't make it to impress anyone or for any reason except I felt like I had to put that out there.  For some weird reason, I felt like I had to paint something, which is kind of a break through for me.  I think that I have never been good at art or anything like that because I don't try and I don't try because I think that for it to look good it has to be perfect.  And I needed to let it not be perfect and be okay with that.  And it felt SO good!  And I didn't think about the colors or what anyone would think about them, I just used the colors I wanted to because I wanted to.  That felt good too.  I don't know why I knew I needed to do that, but I did, and it feels good. :)

I have had SO much on my mind this last week. I feel like there are so many things for me to do, but I can't focus on them, and maybe if I get everything that is swimming in my head written down, I will be able to push my energy toward other things. Although now that I've said that, I almost take it back because the things that have been on my mind have been profound and life-altering. Things I need to be thinking about and things that will propel me toward what I am really, truly after in this life.

It all started at Brave Girls Camp (affectionately known as BGC) last week. I went to support my incredible mom and aunt in their crazy idea to start retreats for women. "Life changing fun" is what they called it. And I was truly expecting that for everyone else. I expected magic. I expected to meet phenomenal women who I knew would be attracted to the incredible spirit of BGC. I knew it would be a singular experience for them because I believe it is inspired and I knew about the love and work and faith that went into it. I did NOT expect to come home changed. I didn't expect to have the feelings I have had this week. I didn't expect to come home with so many answers and a thousand times more questions. I felt so uplifted by the energy there and what I was able to experience, but I feel so jumbled about what to do with it. I desperately need the clarity that I know would come (and did come for so many) from doing the introspective projects up there. I didn't get to do them because I was working the entire time, which is what I wanted to do there. But I can't go on without them...I need to clear my mind - make a clear place for my goals and find out for myself where my peace is, so I can make sure I stick close to it. I feel like I will be stuck unless I figure things out, so I am improvising and doing my own projects....like my little flower pot.

So much of this for me is only a matter of going back to who I really am. And I know that's the whole point - to be true to ourselves and the things we know we need to do...things no one else can do because we are completely unique and have talents that no one else has. I used to do things like this. I used to feel so clear on where my life was going and what I wanted to do. I used to keep a journal where I'd glue things I'd found in magazines, and I'd track my progress on different things and write about whether this or that was working in my life or not. I used to put pictures in it of things I wanted. And pictures of things I just liked....for no other reason than that I liked them.  And I feel like for the last few years I have let all of that go. I feel like I have been sleeping during that time...not really accomplishing a lot personally. Maybe I felt like my life should be 'given' to my new little family, or to the people around me. I know that wasn't an intentional decision because it's not what I believe in my heart, but maybe I let myself slip into that decision by not deciding to do anything else. BGC to me felt like waking up from that. Only it's not like waking up peacefully after sleeping in on a Sunday morning. It's like waking up at 8am on a Sunday morning and running to the bathroom, getting yourself all ready (forgetting deoderant), running out the door and turning back toward home only when you get to the office which is when you realize that it is in fact Sunday and not Monday. I feel kind of confused (for a lack of better words). I feel an incredible almost overpowering sense of potential. I feel a sense of urgency about getting to where I need to be SO THAT I can do what I'm supposed to do.

It feels like swimming in mud. I can't see where I'm going, and it's hard to move my arms and legs because mud is thick and holding still for so long has made my muscles weak. BUT....BUT BUT BUT....I do believe in the power of change. I do believe that I can decide today who I want to be and then make choices all day long that lead to that decision. I don't believe that I have to be stuck in the mud and I plan to get out quickly. The only thing standing in my way is deciding what it is I want...what I REALLY want....where my peace is. Small questions - HUGE answers.

Today {TODAY} I am going to take action on some of this. I am going to start by taking Jeanne's advice (my sweet, brave girl, Jeanne) and I am going to carve out a creative space in my house. A place for me to make things...a place that I don't have to clean up every day. It's going to be in my (unfinished) basement. But I think that finished or not, I can have a fun, happy space...I mean look at that old army tent they used at BGC! I'm going to get out the very few art supplies that I have and use them and invite other people to use them. I am going to leave my sewing machine out and use it whenever I want. And over the next week or two I am going to take my lovely blue and yellow journal and fill it with my dreams and goals and HUGE aspirations, and I'm going to believe in them again and believe in me again. I'll let you know how that goes.

I am a Brave Girl

So it's been a couple weeks since I last posted.  You might think there's no such thing as a good excuse, but wrong-o...I have a good one. I spent the last 2 weeks preparing for and going to a Brave Girls Club Retreat.  And I can't stop thinking about it.  Seriously.  I've been putting this post off on purpose because there are a million things I could and should be doing to get caught up around the house.  But I find myself doing a little chore, then coming back to the computer to check facebook and blogs and see what the other "Brave Girls" have written about their experiences there.  I figure MAYBE if I get everything that's in my heart about this incredible REVOLUTION I might be able to focus on something else for 10 seconds.  (m a y b e) :) 

{The Brave Girl Cabin}

Brave Girls Club is something my mom and aunt (two of my best friends).  Their slogan, which describes everything they do is: "Life-changing FUN for women".  There is so much I could say as an "insider" about the planning, preparation and most of all, the LOVE that has gone into creating this new community of women.  The retreat we went to was no different.  I went as staff, so I didn't get to participate in everything that was going on.  I spent most of my time helping to make meals and snacks unforgettable, which I loved.  But despite not being able to work on the projects and introspection that everyone else did, I feel like it was a life-changing experience.  I can't imagine how much MORE incredible it was for the women who came and took full advantage of it.

{This morning fog was beautiful!}

We arrived on Monday afternoon and spent the next day and a half getting the cabin all beautiful before everyone got there.  Seriously no detail was overlooked....the decor was amazing, the dishes were stunning and eclectic, the food was outrageously good (which means no butter, no cream, no carbs...right?  RIGHT?) :).  We had an amazing time getting set up, and when the bus full of Brave Girls pulled up it was like Christmas!  We were so excited for everything that awaited them...and if the other staff had expectations like mine, we had NO idea what was in store for any of us.  

 It was life-changing....all of it.  I learned (again) that women need each other...we just do.  We have a gift for nurturing and inspiring and comforting and we ought to share that not only with our husbands and our children but with each other.  I learned that everyone struggles, and that it doesn't matter what our individual problems are, and if they're big or small to us, our struggles are the same.  But the biggest lesson I learned is the lesson of CHOICE.  That crap happens...life isn't perfect and if we're lucky it never will be, but no matter what happens, we have a choice about what to do with it.

{My amazingly talented, fun-loving aunt and bestie Melody...

the one behind the art and life-changing projects.}

{My beautiful, wonderful, also amazingly talented aunt Lynda and mom -Kathy- who provided good food and out-of-this-world live music.}

My dear friend, Tamara, who taught me piano when I was in high school, and whose family has been a big part of my life spoke on one of the nights about this.  She talked about the hard things she's gone through in her life and how she's learned to make choices.  Choices about not blaming others, choices about staying when she wanted to leave, choices about her attitude toward life and what happens in it.

What really drove this lesson home for me, and really catapulted me into changing and believing in choices was when I was talking to my friend Cami about something (of course I don't remember what...maybe her weight or something...she's back to her high school size now...ROCK. ON.)  Anyway, she said something I will never never NEVER forget.  "I woke up one day and decided I didn't want to be fat anymore."  Does that hit you as profoundly as it did me?  And like I said before...nothing I'd never heard before. I know I have choices, but I can't get that out of my head and every time something tries to get me off course I think about what she said, "I DECIDED..."

{The art tent...such a lovely illustration of the power of change....something old and ugly and used for ugly, dark war...changed into something beautiful where lives are transformed and changed forever!}

I think sometimes we think we have to deal with whatever is handed to us.  And it's true that a lot of crap comes our way, and life isn't perfect and our big plans sometimes bomb and WE sometimes BOMB, but the thing is who we are is NOT who we have to be.  It is an accumulation of all the choices we've made (whether on purpose or by default) in the PAST.  We have a choice about who we want to be in 5 years and in 10 years and TOMORROW!  How empowering is that?  We can decide what to do with what we have today.  Like the golf rule says: Play it where it lies.

I can take my life and my body and my home and my marriage and my character TODAY, the way they are, just the same way I would take a piece of clay, and change them into whatever I want them to be.  It doesn't matter how lumpy or drab or weak they seem to be from all they've been through in the yesterdays....I can start molding them now and making them into the masterpieces that a beautiful life should be full of.  And I'm going to!

Along those same lines, there was a project about making promises to yourself.  I haven't gotten mine to paper yet...it's something I plan to do this week in my lovely Brave Girls journal.  How incredible to make promises to yourself on things you don't want to fudge on.  Here are some of my promises -

• I promise to take care of my body...to get to my right weight and stay there both for myself and for my family and loved ones.  
• I promise to be true to the musician inside of me and to take the steps needed to develop my talents even further.  I promise to use those talents to bless others.
• I promise to be more forward, open and honest with myself and others about what I really want.
• I promise to start breaking down the walls around my heart that prevent me from making deep and lasting friendships.

I can't wait to dive further into this and maybe get a chance to make up for what I missed at this incredible retreat.  YOU HAVE TO GO!  The next one is in February, but they're happening 4 times per year.  If you want to go in Feb, I suggest you get signed up ASAP, because I have an "in" with the lady in booking and the spots are going FAST.  :)

{Such a perfect picture -- It's All Good.  This is what the dining room looked like every night.  And this is what it felt like to be there...it's ALL good!!  Don't you want to BE THERE??}

This is an amazing, inspiring revolution - come be part of it...come be a BRAVE GIRL!!!

ya-got-ta-wanna...author unknown

Found this sah-weet poem in an old journal of mine...I don't know who it's by, and the name I have on it is 'ya-got-ta-wanna'...I hope that's really what it's called. Enjoy!

If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it

Work day and night for it,

Give up your time and your peace and your sleep for it

If only the desire of it

Makes you mad enough never to tire of it

Makes you hold all things tawdry and cheap for it

Life seems all empty and useless without it

And all that you scheme

and dream

Is about it

If gladly you'll sweat for it

fret for it

plan for it

Lose all your terror of devils and men for it

If you'll simply go after the thing that you want

With all your capacity

strength and sagacity

Faith, hope and confidence, stern pertinacity

If neither cold, poverty, famish or gaunt

Nor sickness nor pain

of body or brain

Can keep you away from the thing that you want

If dogged and grim and beseech and beset

You'll get it.  You'll get it. -Author Unknown

on problem-solving...

We've all got problems...what about solutions?

"It is easy to let ourselves get wrapped up in the problem, rather than focusing on the solution.  I've watched some people obsess with their problem so much, it's almost as if talking about it soothes them.  I suspect that's because problems are concrete; we can identify them easily and that provides the illusion of control.  The solution, on the other hand, is multi-faceted. 
It requires honesty, creativity, determination, patience and focus." - Eric Harr

If God has allowed us to go through trials, that probably means that He believes we have the power to find the solutions.  Let's spend today looking for the answers instead of focusing on the questions in our lives.  Happy Hunting! :)

Good One, Charlie

I watched a movie called "Out to Sea" last night...soooo funny.  It's about 2 old men who go on a cruise to pick up chicks.  Well, that's probably a bad synopsis, but that's about what happens. :)  One of the characters, Charlie at one point is trying to convince the other guy to do something he doesn't want to do and says,

"It's never too late, that's why they invented death!"

I love love LOVE it!  Wouldn't it be great if we all lived by that - it's never too late....til you're dead.  Then maybe. :)

Elphis - goddess of hope

It's true that Elphis is the goddess of hope, but in my mind she has more to give than just hope.  She gives us hope by teaching us to be brave when times are hard, to be patient when it's the last thing we think we can do, to love when we want to hate.  And so in her lessons on hope she also teaches us courage, patience, charity and other virtues.